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Car Pool
Red tries to start a car pool for the sole purpose of buying a 12-passenger van. Cast (in order of appearance): , , , , , , , , Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, Handyman Corner, The Experts, Red's Poetry, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Adventures With Bill, Harold's Segments DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 2 DVD Commentary by Steve Smith STEVE SMITH: The "Car Pool" episode was part of our third season. It was actually the only season that we shot the show in London, Ontario, so we had a whole geographical move and we all went out there and... we had a great time. That was also the first year that we did the show in front of a live audience. We never thought for a second that anybody would come to one of those, but... we were shocked. Uh, couple of things that stuck out for me in this show... One of them was the Adventure film where Bill was trying to find different ways to cut down trees. And he had this idea that {holds up one hand} we just picked up what we call a bucksaw or a tree-saw. You'll see it in a minute. And if he just {moves his other hand as if pulling on a motor} pulled on a string and we added the sound of a little motor starting and he shook it, that when the viewer saw that, that would look like there was some kind of a little motor, some kind of an odd little Swiss saw. And it was just one of those little amazing things where, y'know, where what you hear with your ears actually affects what you see with your eyes. And the other part of the show that stuck out for me was using the drain pipes of your house as an intercom. I was driving down the highway, and I was talking to somebody on the phone– No, I wasn't! Sorry, I was just driving down the highway, {snaps fingers} and I got this idea of how all the drains in your house are connected, and if you could actually yell down your toilet, you could speak to somebody in the bathtub. And I was so excited, I– I started phoning people and telling them about the idea. They didn't like it, but I went ahead anyway. Transcript Title Sequence {"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold striking a defensive pose.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Hi, this is Red Green. In today's show, Harold's gonna show ya some bully-proofing... {Cut to a shot of Bill holding an ax and a saw, standing in front of a stand of trees, while the Possum Van goes by behind him and comes to stop, knocking down one tree in the process.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill's gonna take down a tree... {Cut to a shot of Red speaking through a funnel attached to a siphon hose sticking out of a toilet.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna build a really neat intercom system. {Cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.} Intro {The camera pans through the Lodge, past various items strewn about, until it reaches the main room of the Lodge. All the while, Harold introduces the show.} HAROLD GREEN: Here's the main reason we call this "The Red Green Show", the man who pays the bills and sometimes the Harolds. {laughs} Here he is, the small medium, Mr. Lodge, Red Green! {Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.} RED GREEN: Thank you. Thank you very much, and thanks for tuning us in. {to Harold} Small medium? What was that, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know! Don't you get it? Small, medium, lodge! Y'know, it's like a– a– a– a dwarf psychic at a resort. Or you know what else? It could be like, um, uh, like clothing size. Small, medium, lodge! {laughs} RED GREEN: Yeah, you know, I wish I had an extra lodge. I'd send you into it. {to audience} By golly, I'm looking face-to-face with the opportunity of a lifetime here this week. Buster Hadfield, about three months ago, bought himself a brand-new twelve-passenger van. And, of course, it got repoed, you know. Buster, uh, Buster has taken him to court on that one. He says, as far as he's concerned, the ad was very clear. It said, "No money down, no interest, no payments, ever", okay? And the judge says, "Yeah, there is a plan like that, but it's called grand theft auto." HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, that is like a really awesome van, too. Haw! You know, if we– if we had a van like that, you know, I could drive all the cheerleaders to every football game, you know? And who knows? Maybe one day, one of them might acknowledge my existence. Y'know, like in a positive way. RED GREEN: Well, you know, Harold, I think I can get ourselves a real good deal on that unit. All's I have to do is take over the payments. HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but Uncle Red, what if there's more owing on the van than what it's worth? RED GREEN: Oh, come on now, Harold. You think a bank is gonna lend somebody more money than they can pay back? HAROLD GREEN: Yes. They do it all the time, but it's, you know, it's for rich people and governments. RED GREEN: Right. But this is Buster, okay? Now, the whole thing comes down to the art of negotiation, which happens to be my specialty, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? {giggles} And how much did you pay for the Possum Van? RED GREEN: Nothin', Harold. That was a gift from my parents for graduating from public school. That way, I wouldn't have to borrow my dad's car to drive to junior high. HAROLD GREEN: We've a bit of a slow learner there, were we? {laughs} RED GREEN: Well, it was a different world then, Harold. You know, we had the chores and the harvest and... of course, billiards. 'Course all of us were in the same boat at that time, you know. The youngest guy in my high school class was always the teacher. HAROLD GREEN: Virtually amazing, Uncle Red. I mean, there you stand in this age of information, with no virtually no education, no insight, no special abilities, certainly no people skills. Basically, an IQ about, y'know, room temperature. And there you stand, sir, and I say this to you, that you are a tribute to the television standard. RED GREEN: Well, thank you, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: {with a hint of uncertainty} You're welcome. {Harold plays his switcher. The show segues to the next segment.} Red's Campfire Song 1 {Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.} RED GREEN: {singing} :Up at the Lodge, we have a special vittle. :We call it newborn chili. HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Chili... RED GREEN: :It's part rabbit, so there's a hare in your soup, :Part turnip, part cabbage, part filly. :Oh, the mitts are all up, with a pound of kN. :That's newborn chili all right. :We call it "newborn", 'cause it's lovely on the bottom, :And it makes a racket in the middle of the night. Handyman Corner {The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another part of the Lodge, where Red stands next to a worktable. On the table are a toilet and various pipes.} RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you how to modernize your home, to make it not only more convenient for your family, but also easier to sell, when that day comes, which it will, when you can no longer motivate yourself to come up with the mortgage payment. {looks at toilet} All right, now, the first thing you're gonna need is about, uh, half a dozen of these previously-owned, personal, porcelain appliances. And I'll tell ya, you can pretty well name your own price on these units, because there is very little demand, surprisingly enough, for the used toilet. {picks up some pipes} Now, you're also gonna need a bunch of the ABS drain pipe {picks up a T-shaped pipe fitting} and a whole trunkload of fittings, y'know, the Ts and the elbows and what have you, so that you can connect all of this stuff into your existing drain system. Now, you can use epoxy cement on that, or you could use– you could use gum, or even pop rivets. {Red takes the fitting and attaches it to the pipe. Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached several fittings to the pipes and attached them all together with duct tape. One pipe sticks out of the bottom of the toilet.} RED GREEN: I prefer the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Okay, now you put one of these units in each of the rooms that you use most often, and you hook 'em right into the drain system, like I've done here. Now, they say that a man's home is his castle. Well, now you can have a throne in every room. And put the unit right out in the middle of the room like this, because this is no longer a toilet. This is now a custom-made, room-to-room intercom system. A combination transmitter and receiver. {opens toilet seat lid} Or a transceiver, as we call it in the business. And the drain system becomes your distribution grid. {looking at pipe sticking out through the roof} And if you hook her into the roof breather, as I've done here, you now have a two-way public address system right out to your front door, so you can, y'know, greet your guests or tell the police that you're not home or whatever. {removes the inner workings of the toilet} Now, when you want to signal people on the second floor, instead of using a buzzer, take all the stuff out of the toilet {picks up a small bell} and get yourself a little bell like this. {rings bell} And then hook that right onto the flusher handle. {hooks bell onto flusher handle} And when you want to call somebody... {repeatedly pushes down on handle, ringing bell} Just like a phone. Now, I imagine the bunch of ya's are asking, "Hey, Red, what about the smell?" Well, this is a question I've had to deal with throughout my life. And I must admit that you get one of these units into the dining room, the occasional puff of methane can put you off your dinner. And once she hits the candles, it'll put you off your seat. So the best way, the easiest way to keep yourself away from the odors of the underworld is to fire a little bit of water in there. {picks up a bucket of water} Not a whole bunch, just enough to fill the trap. {pours water into toilet bowl} Fumes? What fumes? Now, the only problem is, this also blocks the sound, creating what we call a breakdown in communication. {picks up a siphon hose} So what you do is you get yourself a gas siphon like this. This is the kind that you'd use at the mall while your wife's inside shopping. {sticks hose into toilet bowl into drain inside} And you stick this down into the water, 'cause you want to get all the way down and around into the drain pipe. {picks up funnel} And then you get yourself a funnel like this, which may be the kind you'd use, say, at a beer-drinking contest. {sticks funnel onto exposed end of funnel} And you stick that in the end. And this becomes your speaker microphone. Let's give her a try. {Red rings the bell on the flusher handle and calls into the funnel to speak into the toilet.} RED GREEN: Harold? {the sound of water tinkling is heard} Harold! HAROLD GREEN: {speaking through toilet} Not right now, Uncle Red, I'm kinda busy. {the audience laughs} Whoo! RED GREEN: Well, she's as clear as a bell, isn't she? You know, we could actually to pump music all through the whole Lodge. Try to imagine the best of Boxcar Willy coming out of a john. Anyway, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {speaks into toilet again} I'm just gonna put you on hold there, Harold. {closes toilet lid} ''I'll get back to you. ''{walks off} The Experts {Harold stands in the Lodge basement beside a table.} HAROLD GREEN: And now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know." {Red and Hap emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room.} And here to prove that point on the "Experts" portion of the show is my uncle Red and... Mr. Hap Shaughnessy. {Red and Hap wave. They all sit around the table, which has a weird black gizmo on it. Harold picks up a letter.} HAROLD GREEN: Here we go with our letter. Um... {points to black thing} our viewer sent this in, actually, for your professional analysis, so this ought to be interesting. It says, "Dear Experts, I found this do-hickey while cleaning out my closet, and I'd like to know what it is and how it works. Please give me a clue. Signed, Clued Out." {Pause} RED GREEN: ...Is there any more information there, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: No. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, sorry, there is. It says, "I bet my twenty dollars that you guys will get this wrong." RED GREEN: {looking at black thing} Well, I would say this is a piece of farm machinery of some kind. {leaning in closer to feel it} If you look at the markings there– HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Don't touch it, Red. {shakes his head} What you have there is a top level, top secret explosive device. HAROLD GREEN: Are you sure, Mr. Shaughnessy? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {sounding annoyed} Yes, Harold! {calmer} The Israelis use these, and the Turks. It's a kind of– kind of a plastic explosive, or "plastique". Only this one is metal, so it's called a... "metal-ique". RED GREEN: {picks up thing} Well, Hap, I don't know what this is, either. I'll tell you one thing: we're not gonna waste any more time with it. Let's get on with the next letter. {Red tosses the thing aside. Suddenly, they hear an explosion that gets their attention. A few pieces of a bicycle fly through the air. Some land next to Harold, who picks them up.} HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, somebody out there owes his wife twenty bucks. And somebody in here owes me an apology. RED GREEN: It didn't explode, Hap, it landed on an aerosol paint can. So nobody owes anybody anything. HAROLD GREEN: {holding up bike pieces} Somebody owes me a new bike... Red's Poetry {Red is sitting on a bench in the snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He opens a book and starts reading.} RED GREEN: It is winter. The frozen rain turns the willow tree into a giant, shimmering chandelier. A million diamonds dance in its branches, or so it seems, as I look up through it. And to think I didn't even notice all this beauty until I slipped and fell flat on my back. This is my lucky day! Visit With Glen Brachston {Red walks up to Glen's R.V. He sees Glen sleeping underneath the R.V.} RED GREEN: Glen? Glen! Oh, for gosh sakes! {Red climbs into the R.V. and starts it up. The sudden start-up noise startles Glen awake. He sputters and gets to his feet. He has a dark spot on his forehead. Red turns off the R.V. and gets out. He sees Glen.} GLEN BRACHSTON: {panting} Oh! Oh, Red, it's you! Oh! I was having this dream I thought somebody was stealing my R.V. here. RED GREEN: No kiddin'. What were you doin' under there? GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, I was, uh– I was, uh, checkin' for an oil leak. {rubs his right eye} Didn't find anything, though. RED GREEN: No? How long were you under there, Glen? GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, not long. Um... {looks at his watch} Whoa! Is today Tuesday? {Glen taps his watch. Red looks under the R.V.} RED GREEN: I don't think she's leakin' too bad, but, uh... {rubs his finger on the spot on Glen's forehead and looks at it} Might be time to change the filter. GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, I was gonna get to that this afternoon. I was gonna do that today. But I got these customers squawkin' at me, y'know: "Fix my boat, fix my boat!" Like we're never gonna have another summer again. {They suddenly hear the sound of a phone ringing.} GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, excuse me, Red. RED GREEN: Yeah. {Glen goes over to his garage, where the phone is heard ringing. He doesn't answer the phone, however, he picks up something and brings it over to the R.V.} RED GREEN: Glen, aren't you gonna answer that? GLEN BRACHSTON: I just said I gotta put an oil filter in first, Red. {Glen puts the filter by the R.V. as the phone rings a few more times, then stops abruptly.} GLEN BRACHSTON: {noticing the phone not ringing anymore} There you go, Red. There's no such thing as patience anymore. RED GREEN: You know, Glen, uh, we're trying to save a little money up at the Lodge. We thought we might, uh, start a car pool. You know, where you get all the guys traveling around in just the one vehicle. GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, that's a great idea, Red! RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah... GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, I got the eight-bucket recliners in here, I got the queen-sized bed, I got a fridge full of TV dinners, and both microwaves are fired up. Oh, Dolores and I can go at any second. We're on a 24-hour alert. RED GREEN: Well, that's good, that's good, but actually, I was gonna use Buster Hadfield's twelve-passenger. You know, after I buy it. GLEN BRACHSTON: {disappointed} Oh. Well, count me out, Red. {the phone rings again; suddenly furious} ALL RIGHT! Man! They buy a boat from me, I'd've thinked they owned it! RED GREEN: Uh, Glen, you know, it might be the guy from the R.V. place. GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, that's true. {Glen goes over to his garage and stops there.} GLEN BRACHSTON: Phone's in on the table, Red. I appreciate it. RED GREEN: {walking over to garage; frustrated} Oh, for gosh...! GLEN BRACHSTON: Now, if it's the R.V. guy... RED GREEN: Yeah? GLEN BRACHSTON: ...see if he's got that inflatable, rubber satellite dish for me. RED GREEN: All right. GLEN BRACHSTON: And if it's not... If it's not him, then just say, "No parlez anglais," and hang up the phone. Plot Segment 2 Red's Campfire Song 2 Adventures With Bill Harold's Segment Visit With Dougie Franklin Plot Segment 3 Fun Facts Explanations *Epoxy is a thermosetting polymer formed from reaction of an epoxide "resin" with polyamine "hardener". Epoxy has a wide range of applications, including fiber-reinforced plastic materials and general purpose adhesives.